Signs She's Not a Real Gamer

Let's face it, girls who game are hot. We, as girls, know it. You, as drooling, testosterone-driven boys know it. And though we could probably go on and on about what makes someone a "true" or "hardcore" gamer--recreational versus underground, according to Microsoft Live--the main point is that a female with justifiable video game competencies is a rare, ultra-precious jewel. What girl wouldn't want to be the combo-breaker in a sea of trigger-happy alpha males fighting for virtual trophies and achievements? It's a rather seductive position of power that many girls front, but most fall fatally short while attempting to grace even the surface of what it takes to be called a real gamer chick. Heed these warning signs of prissy posers attempting to gain the spotlight from the true warrior women:

• She loves to rock. There is nothing wrong with enjoying the musical mayhem of Rock Band or Guitar Hero, unless it is ALL she plays. Also, if she only plays it after 4 red cups and while waiting for her bracket in beer pong, you can assume she probably doesn't even remember when she plays it. It's just a stream of colored dots, drunken karaoke, and senseless beating on a fake drum set while she screams "I love this song!" before every session. She can possibly gain some brownie points for figuring out the guitar frets on any level above Easy, but it's highly doubtful she comes in contact with any real joystick outside of a frat party house.



• She hates anatomy. One of the most obvious signs of a fake or anti-gamer is her outright disgust with virtual female body. Real women know how impossible it would be to stand--let alone jump, wrestle, dance, swing a sword, or play sports--with a pair of double-Fs on a 24-inch waist. The mere damage of a couple of unsupported, renegade breasts would be more dangerous to the wielder than the enemies! Still, girlfriends are quick to constantly remind their beaus how unrealistic and disgusting those digital heroines are. They refuse to play the game themselves or forbid their boys to play when they're around...or at all. Everyone gets a little jealous, but to harp over freaks of nature like Ivy, Hitomi, or even Laura Croft is petty and pointless. There are a lot of great games and a few good laughs out there if one is willing to see past the string bikinis and cleavage.



• Wii she like to play. Well, why not? She loses just as many calories tugging, punching, tilting, and swinging the Wiimote around the room as she would spending 2 hours and $50 a month at the gym. And with the Wii Fit, she can get that celebrity personal trainer without the celebrity pricing or Nazism. Everyone flocks to her house for bowling parties, tennis matches, Wii Music jam sessions, and 3D Mario Galaxy adventures. She's got the cutest Mii in the parade and is positive she's as better cook than Mama! She doesn't need real button skills, just a sensor bar to read her every move and maybe a Wii Wheel to make her feel like she's in the Nintendo-500! Don't burden her with a classic controller; the Nunchuck suits just fine. Hey! Those tiny GameCube disks won't work in her system; they're too small!